Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize