i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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