I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
no you cant smoke seaweed
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
