Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
