sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
