i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
