I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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