Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
