and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
