she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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