I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
