i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
