I puked a lego.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Boobs speak an international language.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
