no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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