Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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