closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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