He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
