i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Randomize
