I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
