Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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