Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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