I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
