someone get that fucking seahorse.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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