I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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