Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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