Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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