Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
