I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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