The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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