my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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