Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
