It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If I die, sorry about rent.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize