I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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