When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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