2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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