matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
