I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
