i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
