The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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