Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Randomize
