you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
