So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
