So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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