Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
