I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
