Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
