I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
