So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
