Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
