the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
