Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
