I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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