i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize