I think I won the penis lottery.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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