Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
