I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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